Things We Pretty Much All Do But Never Talk About
People, as a whole, are weird, but it's kind of reassuring to know that most of us are weird in similar ways. There are a lot of strange behaviors we all do, even if we don't really speak about them.
Here are some of the most hilariously relatable tweets about everyday things we do that we don't talk about.
We Really Be Driving On Autopilot Sometimes
The number of times I have arrived somewhere with literally zero recollection as to how the drive there went is shocking. I could've run multiple red lights and I would not know it.
Exercise Minutes Exist In A Different Reality
I swear, time is relative, and some activities just exist on a different plane. For example, exercise minutes, waiting for someone to text back minutes, and microwave minutes are all longer than the average minute.
Been Feeling This Since Cory's 6th Birthday Party
I have gone bowling upwards of 25 times in my entire life, and I still have no idea how to walk back afterward without it feeling awkward and weird. If someone has figured it out, let me know!
Hungover Me Doesn't Fear Food Poisoning
On a regular day, I wouldn't even consider eating a food item—especially one with meat, cheese, and sour cream—that I have left out and exposed for over six hours at room temperature, but hungover me won't hesitate.
Trying To Sync Up At Risk Of Death
The second I am in a quiet room with another person, my first instinct is to try and sync my breathing with them. It's almost as bad as when I think about how breathing works and can't remember how to do it naturally.
It Takes 2–3 Tries For Me
For the record, I have never accomplished the task I took my phone out for. l go to check the weather, end up on social media, and then close my phone, only to remember I still need to check the temperature.
I Actively Try Not To Let The Sleepiness Escape
When you wake up in the middle of the night, you have a limited storage of sleepiness still stuck in your head and you have to conserve it until you get back in bed.
My Face Tells Everything
I am super jealous of stoic people who have excellent poker faces because the second I feel or think anything, it is visible in my expression. I am the worst liar alive.
It Really Do Be Like That
I listen to aggressive songs about drinking, partying all day, and doing controlled substances while I sip my iced coffee in the car and lightly munch on a plant-based protein bar.
Those Extra Three Minutes Are Important
My favorite part about doing this is that it's often what leads to me sleeping through my alarm and ending up late for things. Will I ever stop, though? No.
I Just Don't Want To Pick Wrong, You Know?
If I could only pick one last song to listen to before I die, I would probably end up crying because I don't want to pick one and disrespect all the other songs I like.
This Eraser Activates My Fight-Or-Flight Instinct
There are few things more frustrating than when you go to erase a tiny bit of a pencil mark and the eraser not only fails to erase anything but also leaves a horrible stain on the sheet.
Heavy Machinery Sounds So Intense
I don't know why they don't just say "drive a vehicle" on things like this. I just feel like the average person won't be in charge of moving a crane anytime soon.
Microsoft Word Cannot Handle Even The Slightest Change
I would like to take a moment of silence for the many hours of my life I have lost after trying to make a minimal adjustment to a Word document.
Being Home Alone Is So Peaceful!
Pros to being home alone: no one can see you getting weird and putting on a full concert as you lip-sync along to your favorite band. Cons: fear of being killed.
Start Writing My Eulogy, Folks
I respect those people who say that their body is a temple, but my body, at best, is a run-down Applebee's in a small town that is two months away from being demolished.
This Is The True Definition Of Pain
I like to believe that I am an above-average funny person with a good level of self-confidence, but nothing can decimate my self-esteem like no one laughing at my card in Cards Against Humanity.
I Fantasize About The Moment I Can Face The Other Way
Everyone knows that you're not supposed to use your phone in bed, but that doesn't mean any of us will stop. I will give my whole right side of my body pins and needles just to scroll through Instagram.
Just To Be Safe, You Know!
I have never and will never take my phone off silent. I haven't used vibrate on my phone since 2011. However, I still panic that my phone will go off in a silent theater during the most important scene.
I Will Never Remember A Name On The First Try
There was once a dude I befriended at the gym and we would talk every time we saw each other and also would spot for one another, but I didn't know his name was Adam until 10 months later
I Mean, What If I Do?
I am a raging under-packer, but my wife is a raging over-packer, which works out because she always has enough supplies to save me when I inevitably do not bring enough shampoo.
I Am Out Of Shape, Okay?
I generally think of myself as an active and healthy human being, but the second I start walking up a hill or a flight of stairs, I'm heaving for air. I just don't want other people to hear me dying.
I Hate This Lump With My Whole Heart
Zipper hoodies are convenient because they're easier to put on than ones you have to pull on over your head. Their only real downfall is the way the zipper gets all weird when you sit.
My Car Is So Forgiving, Too
My relationship with my car borders on abusive. I refuse to clean it unless it's absolutely necessary, I ignore the weird sound the brakes make, and I don't even consider slowing down for potholes.
This Sliver Of Light Is My Nemesis
There are few entities more evil than the cursed sliver of light that peeks through the gap in your curtains and tries to sear your eyeballs while you're trying to sleep in.
If Only I Was More Accurate With My Click
If you are a piece of garbage like me, you will literally stay on your laptop at night until your eyes hurt from the screen light. It's only then that you'll attempt to shut it down, only to prolong your wait before you can sleep.
The Disrespect Is Too Real
I don't care that I spent the past two hours sitting on my bed and looking at memes while procrastinating my shower, no one else can use it until I do.
My Shin Hurts Just Looking At This
This photo just gave me a series of traumatic flashbacks to all the times I have knocked my shin on this evil metal piece in the dark while trying to go to the washroom at night.
Sometimes You Just Know It's Coming
I swear that people have a sixth sense that lets them know when something irritating is coming up. I personally can sniff out my future bad mood like a police dog.
It Hurts My Feelings So Bad Even Though I'm Smiling
You know when someone dismisses you when you're talking about your passions and interests so you just kind of shrivel up into a raisin and decide to never speak again? Same.
We've All Been There Once Or Twice
Did you really go to school if you didn't look up your options in case you dropped out? I mean, if Bill Gates did it, then I could do it too, right?
I Am The Villain In My Own Life
This also applies to when I get my credit card statement and the number is too high so I look through all the purchases trying to find a fraudulent charge...only to realize that I was the one who wasted my money.
Their Disappointment Is Immeasurable
There was one time that I had to be taken to the campus clinic after passing out while in college because all I had consumed for two weeks was ramen noodles—not out of necessity, but because I didn't feel like going to the grocery to get real food.
I Did Not Find Everything Okay
Even worse, I could be standing in the correct aisle clearly struggling to find something and have a store employee ask if I need help only for me to respond, "No thanks, I'm good."
It's A Real Catch-22
On one hand, I want to have a job so that I can receive income to support my family and also work to do something with my life. On the other hand, I don't feel like working :(
I'm Just Vibing In There
I've been told by people that I have a very stern-looking face when I'm walking down the road, but in reality, I'm just having a dance party in my head to the latest Sam Smith song.
Not To Brag, But...
I know other people have to get that sick sense of satisfaction when you bring food to the potluck and everyone finishes it while others' dishes remain untouched. Sorry not everyone can be as talented as me, Brenda.
This Is My Happy Place
Someone once asked me why I'm such a homebody, as if my favorite things—food, Wi-Fi, my bed, and my pajamas—don't exist within the confines of my house. Why would I ever leave?
The Regret Sets In Immediately
I would like someone with a Ph.D. in psychology to explain why we, as human beings, feel the overwhelming need to tear apart the cords on headphones, even to our own detriment. There has to be a scientific explanation.
You Can Just Feel It Coming
You watch people start to talk about how we need to have the Christmas party organized and someone mentions how good you were at something else. The dread sets in before they can even assign you to the project.
