These Newlyweds Didn’t Think About Their Last Names, And Should Probably Just Cut Their Losses And Get Divorced Now
It's becoming more common for couples to hyphenate names rather than have one take the others. Just imagine if you ended up married to someone and became Mr. and Mrs. Coke-Head. If that name isn't a red flag, then I don't know what is. Whether or not you believe in soulmates, after reading the last names of these couples you'll agree that there's no way they can be a match made in heaven.
These people may be a perfect match, but their names definitely arent. We're all for changing traditions and female empowerment, but hopefully, none of these couples kept the combined version of their names. In fact, it's probably just best if they join the witness protection program and assume entirely new identities.
Was R. Kelly Their DJ?
This couple looks pretty happy on their wedding day, but on the inside, they're screaming for help. They both were living innocent lives with normal last names, and then they got engaged and became Mr. and Mrs. Golden-Showers.
I'd go nameless before I adopted Golden-Showers as my last name.
'Til Death, Or Clogged Arteries, Do Us Part
This is the kind of married name I can get behind. Who doesn't love bacon? And who doesn't like more bacon than usual? This is one name that might not be too bad to keep.
The only problem is that kids are mean, and any child they have might be teased into eternity.
It's Like The Habsburg Dynasty All Over Again
This engagement announcement doesn't specify if the two are actually cousins, but since they're both from Iowa, it's illegal to be married to any cousin.
If they are cousins, then they'll have to go to one of twenty other states that allow first cousin marriage. Hopefully, it's just another case of terrible newlywed names.
To Have And To Hold
New Hampshire legalized same-sex marriage in 2010, and two years later this happy couple finally made it to the altar. They look ecstatic about finally being able to legalize their love, but unfortunately, they also have to legalize their names.
I honestly hope they kept the hyphenated version because it is one of the few that can go both ways.
At Least They Can Laugh About It
This newlywed name could go one of two ways. Either they laugh about it and move on, or it gets engulphed into Daniel's newfound dad sense of humor.
If dad jokes weren't bad enough, imagine if your dad had a name he could incorporate into every single joke. It sounds like torture.
You Probably Won't Get A Job With That Name
I know names aren't supposed to be a deciding factor for employers, but if I was looking at a resume with the last name Coke-Head, I'd be laughing too hard to hire them.
The worst part is that neither of these names is that good on their own either. It looks like this happy couple is screwed no matter what they do.
Beyoncé and Jay Z are crazy in love, but these two coming up might beat them out for the title.
I Bet They Love Busch Ice
This engagement announcement doesn't specify how the happy couple met, but I'm sure it was over a can of Busch Ice or a pint of Keystone Light. Even a glass of dirty water works too.
At least you know they probably drink the same thing.
These Two Dropped A Real Bomb
Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger-Meister probably had a tough time deciding if they should keep their names hyphenated.
When you're a young couple, having the last name Jaeger-Meister would probably get you a lot of free drinks from the bartender. But once you settle down and have kids, it's going to get really awkward really quickly.
They Must Be Crazy For Eachother
These two probably endured years of people jokingly asking if they're so crazy for each other that they have to visit the Looney-Warde. That joke gets old quick.
After some painstaking research, it shows Shelby kept both names but flipped them to be Shelby Warde-Looney. Lame.
Whose Panties Are We Talking About Here?
Before I can comment, I need to know whose panties are the gross one. You might think it's Brooke's because men don't refer to their underwear as panties, but evidence shows that Kevin is the one with the surname Pantti.
Therefore we can conclude that it is indeed Kevin's panties that are gross.
Sounds Like A Family Guy Character
Crystal probably spent all her life being teased for having the last name Butts. All she wished for was to find a husband with a normal name, and instead, she ended up with Levi McCracken.
It may not seem bad at first, but Butts McCracken sounds like the half-cousin of Buzz Killington from Family Guy.
Hopefully, That's Not How They Met
These two look like a happy, wholesome couple that will forever be haunted by the name Traylor-Hooker. It may be love, but neither of them will last very long in the real world with that last name.
Thankfully they can choose to change their last name completely. "Stevens" sounds like a fine option.
Poison Ivy Is Always Lurking
Bush rash is a serious danger when hiking or camping. Cynthia and Matthew probably know all about how to spot the dangers of poison ivy, poison oak, and hogweed.
It says that they are an administrative assistant and electrician, but it looks like a change of careers might be in their future.
Looks Like He Went And Got Her
If love at first sight exists, then when you see the person you're meant to be with, you have to go and get them. Edna must have been flashing quite the smile when she walked by her husband-to-be.
The only way it would be okay for these two to keep their names is to turn it into one long word: Gowengeter.
The Perfect Kentucky Wedding
These two must be a match made in a Creole kitchen. Timothy and Sandra are from the heart of Kentucky and must have known it was meant to be once they put their names together.
Southern American's can be pretty superstitious, but I feel like this name is a good omen.
They're Talking About Soft Drinks, Right?
This couple is clearly talking about the proper way to fill up your soft-drink at McDonald's. Everyone knows you fill the cup up a third of the way with ice, then top off your drink about 1 inch from the lid.
And obviously, it's way easier to precisely pour a drink when you're standing. Right?
With Extra Pickles
The Fillerup-Standings must be good friends with the MacDonald-Bergers. The two couples have a shared interest in the largest fast-food chain in the world.
McDonald's revolutionized the way fast-food is served and made hamburgers and fries a staple of American dining, so it's not the worst thing to have your newlywed name sound like.
Better Than A Short One
Eric has probably lived a life of torture growing up with the last Wiwi, but it seems like he has finally embraced the name. He even shaved his goatee into the shape of a W to show off how proud he is to be a Wiwi.
I don't think his new wife is as proud though. She's giving up a standard last name for Long-Wiwi.
He Looks Happy To Me
This poor chap doesn't look like a Poore-Sapp to me. The couple looks pretty happy because their new last name isn't that bad.
That is until they start having marriage problems and have to go to couples counseling. Then Poore-Sapp will be a constant reminder of their unhappiness.
She's Just Trying To Help Out
Somehow Wang-Holder is ten times worse than Johnson-Holder. Maybe it's because Johnson-Holder was ironic, but poor Anna is in for a life of giggles if she hyphenates her last name to Wang-Holder.
Se could try to reverse it to Holder-Wang, but everyone will still secretly know the truth.
