It Turns Out That Everything We Thought We Knew Was A Lie
There is a moment in every person's life when they realize that the world is not what they thought it was. They become awake to the reality that surrounds them. Everywhere, there are people who try to deceive us, to pull the wool over our eyes.
Well, the wool is off now. We understand that expressions about wool and eyes are weird and outdated. We see the truth more clearly than ever before. Keep reading to learn how a cartoon duo lied to us for the past seventy years. Also, Cap'n Crunch is not as qualified as he would like you to believe.
I See Some Seeds, Though
Do my eyes deceive me or is that watermelon not at all seedless? There are clearly a whole bunch of black seeds right in the middle of it.
How dare they slap a seedless label on that fruit wedge. Do they think that we're going to fall for that pro-seed propaganda?
This Button Owes Me So Many Quarters
I have so many good memories associated with this red button. It was the portal to so many fun times. But then it lied to me. It said it would return my money and it never did.
I still fed it another quarter, though, because that's how badly I wanted to play every arcade game.
A Beautiful Illusion
I knew it! I knew that button was a scam! The only purpose of the close door button is to be a jerk and claim all that elevator room for yourself. I bet it's all a social experiment. Someone just wants to see how many of us are horrible people.
The Roadrunner Should Have Been Caught Every Time
Here are the facts: coyotes can run up to 43 miles per hour. Roadrunners can run up to 20 miles per hour. There is no way that a roadrunner could outrun a coyote.
Either Looney Toons didn't do their research, or they didn't care about the facts because they also created a talking rabbit and a duck with a lisp.
The Colors Lied To Us
We should have known that any cereal that spells fruit "froot" is not to be trusted. All those colors and only one flavor? Sounds about right. Froot Loops are delicious, so I'm not mad at it.
The colors were nice to look at, and that's good enough for me.
I'll Tell You Where You Can Put Your "Foot"
Someone at Subway wasn't paying attention in math class. A foot is not eleven inches. A foot is twelve inches. Anything less is simply not a foot. I call false advertising, Subway.
Please bake bigger bread. Keep reading for another instance of false advertising that isn't even trying to hide.
Stolen Valor At Its Finest
You're telling me Cap'n Crunch isn't even a captain? What's next? Count Chocula is just a regular dude who likes the dark and Tony the Tiger is just a kitten with a deep voice?
Everything in my life has been a lie. Learn your stripes, Quaker Oats Company.
Get Your Daily Dose Of Calcium
How can this be syrup plus calcium if there is exactly zero percent of the daily recommended amount of calcium in it?
I guess if you stir the syrup into milk, then the milk has calcium in it— but then you're doing the adding. Hershey's isn't doing you any favors.
Dollar Dollar Bills, Y'all
If everything is one dollar, then nothing can be two dollars. That's just math. You can't just double the price and pretend like that's okay.
Here's the real question though— is it everything in the store for one dollar, or each thing in the store costs one dollar? Really makes you think... Read on for the biggest lie macaroni has ever told us.
So Many Possibilities
So, did somebody put ketchup in a yellow mustard bottle, or did somebody put the wrong label on a bottle of mustard?
Perhaps we will never know the truth. This is why lies are so dangerous. It's the french fries that truly suffer. Don't put your baggage on them. They are both innocent and delicious.
Take It To The Limit
Excuse me, Unlimited magazine, how dare you reveal that you do in fact have limits? If you are actually limited, then why have you chosen to name yourself Unlimited? That is not okay, bro.
With a name like that you better make sure that you're always fully stocked.
Oodles Of Noodles And Oodles Of Lies
Yeah, the box says to push in that little tab, but we all just open the top of the box. It's because it takes too long to get all of the noodles out of that little hole— that is, if you can even get the hole open.
Some perforated cardboard would be nice, Kraft.
Chock Full O'Lies
Hey, Chock Full o'Nuts, How about you pick a name for your coffee that doesn't imply that it's full of nuts? How about Chock Full o'Beans?
That would be an excellent product name. Chock Full o'Coffee Beans would be even better. Specificity is key. Remember that, boys.
Carleton Stole His Moves From Monica
Did you think that Carleton's dance moves were creative and original? Did you think his signature move was actually his?
Well, he stole it from Courtney Cox, who later went on to play Monica in the show Friends. The '80s was a weird time. Thanks, Courtney and Bruce, for this cultural moment.
Michael Jackson Had A Little Help From His Shoes
Michael Jackson was an excellent dancer, but that intense lean move? Not humanly possible. Michael had little grooves in his shoes that would hook on to bumps in the stage.
There's a reason why you couldn't do this at home, no matter how hard you tried. Keep reading for some crackers who absolutely cannot be trusted.
Go Home, Pizza Pockets, You're Drunk
Ha, good one, Pizza Pockets. That's a really funny joke. Eating by yourself is the opposite of being social. Eating a Pizza Pocket alone is even worse.
If you actually want to be social, start by getting yourself an actual pizza, not in pocket form, and then sharing it with a bunch of people who don't live in your body.
I See Them, Though
There are clearly a whole bunch of pretzels in that case. Unless those are fake pretzels or pretzels from a week ago, in which case, they should probably take them out of the case.
Get me some real pretzels ASAP, and stop telling lies. It's one of the ten commandments: thou shall not tell lies about pretzels.
Line? Drop That "N" 'Cause It's More Like A LIE
Imagine this: you want to make a little sandwich out of two crackers and a piece of cheddar cheese. You conveniently have a single cracker that can be neatly separated into two.
You try to separate the crackers along the dotted line. The crackers do not split evenly. Your sandwich is ruined. End scene.
Hawaiian Pizza Was Invented In Canada
Stop blaming Hawaiians for the blasphemy that is pineapple on pizza. This trend originated north of the border in chilly Canada.
Canada's brought us so many wonderful things— poutine, maple syrup, Justin Trudeau— pineapple on pizza is not one of those things. I dare you to fight me on this.
Their Whole Identity Is A Lie
Why call your vitamins "One A Day" if the recommended serving size is two vitamins? That seems like a scam to me. That means you'll need double the gummies and run out of vitamins twice as fast.
I've had it with this corporate bullcrap. Give me all my daily vitamins in a single gummy, or give me an accurate product name!
