Cross-Stitches That Your Grandma Definitely Would Not Approve Of
Newsflash: cross-stitching isn't just for sweet, old ladies anymore. For those of you who don't know, cross-stitching is basically the easiest form of needlepoint. You simply follow a pattern along fabric that is grid-like. If you have some time and patience, you can cross-stitch.
The hobby has undergone a strange revolution in recent years. Instead of grandmas stitching dogs or Bible quotes, people are stitching much more relatable phrases and pictures. After seeing these cross-stitches about wifi, pets, and drinking alone, you'll be on Etsy ordering one to hang in your home.
Home Sweet Home
I don't care who you are. You rely on wifi every day. It's not like the '90s when being on the internet meant blocking the phone line for three hours.
Which is why this cross-stitch is as relatable as it gets. When I don't have to sign up for promotional e-mails to get wifi, I'm happy.
This Isn't A Game
This is the perfect cross-stitch to show your loud friend Susan every time she comes over. I'm not sure if Susan's kid can sleep like a rock, but for everyone else, getting the baby to sleep is a challenge.
The last thing we need is someone yelling about their argument with Janet from accounting when the baby is in the other room.
For When You're Preteen Neice Comes To Visit
I'm not saying all teenage girls are obsessed with taking bathroom selfies, but a good chunk of them are. And hiding in the bathroom on Thanksgiving to get the perfect lighting for a selfie is not okay.
For The Sassy Southern Grandma In All Of Us
I'm not even from the south, and I want this cross-stitch ASAP. It's the perfect blend of sassy and sweet. You know that no southern belle would ever say a few choice words, but that won't stop them from putting you in your place.
Excuse me while I move to Tennessee, make some grits, and piss off the neighbors.
But They Got It Backwards
I'm going to get a lot of criticism for saying this, but I disagree. I'll admit that the toilet paper on the left is much easier to rip off and roll.
But the one on the right is the way to go if you have kids or pets. That way they can't roll it out all over the floor.
Two Of My Greatest Skills
People always say, "If you've got it, flaunt it." So if some of your favorite hobbies and greatest skills are drinking wine and judging people, then don't hide it. Now everyone that walks into your house will know the real you.
Don't Cross (Stitch) Me
Cross-stitch is a strange hobby for a generation of people who always seem to be in a rush because it requires a lot of patience.
The only other thing in life that can teach you this type of patience is having a child. Once you spend twenty minutes convincing your child to wear a coat over their Halloween costume, you'll understand.
The Motto For Every Single Woman With Fur Babies
I'm not saying this screams "40-year-old single woman with three small dogs," but that's exactly what I'm saying. And let's be honest, that's not a bad thing to be!
You have so much more time and money for yourself. You get to buy the $21 bottles of wine, instead of spending $60 a week on your kid's ballet classes.
The Secret Life Of Suburban Moms
On the flip side, the moms who spend $60 a week on their kid's ballet classes are only able to afford a different type of pick-me-up. Mommy probably wouldn't need any little helpers if her kids actually helped out around the house once in a while.
Put One Of These In Every Room In The House
I bet when you first moved in together, you and your partner were a lot more carefree in your house. Then you have kids, become boring, and take up skills like cross-stitch.
The crucial part of this is the past tense "had." When people walk in an see that hanging on every wall, they'll have no idea if it was yesterday, or seven years ago.
Teenagers Are Officially Worse Than Toddlers
Both teenagers and toddlers are useless. Neither of them speaks properly, they rarely take a bath, and they leave stuff everywhere. But teens win out for being worse because they've learned how to talk back.
At least you can pick up toddlers and put them in time out. A teenager will push your limits.
Screw You Mom, I Love Myself
Getting tattoos that say "mom" is so last year. They're almost as out-of-fashion as the infinity symbol or an anchor. Self-love is the new trend. If you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, then I'm kicking everyone out of the house and hanging these up everywhere.
And She's Probably Raising Three Children While Getting A Doctorate
We're not here to argue whether women or men have been more influential in history. But all I'm saying is that men conquered and killed a lot of people, while women have been busy making sure the human race survives.
And the only reason men get all the praise is that the expectations are so low to begin with. That's why teenage boys get a standing ovation when they pick up their laundry off the floor.
That Hot Yoga Class Really Took It Out Of Me
It's not that I don't believe I can do it, it's just that I've had a really long day. Between having to mark all those e-mails from the weekend as "read" and having to go to the hot yoga class I foolishly bought a membership to, I'm pooped.
I'll work on my plan for world domination another day when The Bachelorette isn't on.
The Reality After Having Kids
I'd argue that this happens way before having kids. When you turn 26, you instantly lose the metabolism that helped you go out to the bar three times a week with your friends. Now, any plans for after 9 pm are plans I'm going to cancel on.
There's Always A Happy Ending
Whenever you feel like there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, remember that one day none of what you do will matter.
Unless you build a legacy so great that someone puts you in a history book, then only your friends and family will remember that one really stressful week at work.
For The Mean Girls Lover In All Of Us
It doesn't matter how old you are, Mean Girls will always be an iconic coming-of-age film. Whether you first watched it when you were 17, and now you're becoming a mother yourself, or if you first watched it as a mom alongside your pre-teen daughter.
All moms are cool moms.
I'm Not Complaining, I'm Explaining Why Nothing Is Going My Way
People say whiners can't be winners, but when I'm complaining about the world alongside my BFF on a Friday night, it feels like a win.
It's not my fault that the world is out to get me and that the only truth in life is that red wine pairs perfectly with chicken nuggets.
I Am The Conductor Of My Own Constant Drama
All aboard the hot mess express for a one-way trip to Loserville. We'll be making stops in Dramatown and Fort Helplessness.
It's all about making sure you are in control of your destiny. If I'm going to end up a lonely cat-lady, then it will be my decision and no one else's.
Make Sure All Your Guests Know What They're Subjecting Themselves To
If you're one of those people who are genuinely nice and doesn't have a judgmental bone in their body, then this cross-stitch isn't for you.
If you're like the rest of us and will absolutely judge the fact that Cathy added raisins to the potato salad, then this is perfect for you.
